What is Moneyball and what the hell is Brad Pitt doing in a baseball movie?

He could talk baseball all night. And you'd listen, right ladies?

Moneyball opens this week and it could be the greatest date movie of all time.

Why? Not only is the entire movie about the intricacies of building a baseball franchise (just slightly below orchestrating a bank robbery in terms of guys’ fantasies) but the builder of said baseball franchise is none other than Achilles himself, Brad Pitt. So if listening to explanations of advanced baseball statistics bores you, at least the one doing the explaining is someone you’ve been fantasizing about since you were in middle school.

But a two hour movie can be tedious so you might as well possess a rudimentary grasp of Moneyball’s premise. Simply, Michael Lewis wrote a 304-page masterpiece about how the Oakland A’s (under Billy Beane’s guidance) revolutionized baseball thinking by relying on advanced statistics rather than eye-ball tests and gut feelings to construct the most efficiently successful team for the least amount of money. Brad Pitt plays the real-life character of Billy Beane, the man in charge of building a baseball team on a Payless Shoes budget.

Yours truly read all 304 pages in one sitting meaning if you want us guys to join your book clubs, don’t make us read The Great Gatsby. We’ll have all 448 pages of Watch You Bleed: The Saga of Guns N’ Roses read and annotated with a literary critique by noon tomorrow if you put it on your book club’s list. But I digress…

Example of Moneyball ? For example, you may feel Channing Tatum is hotter than Justin Timberlake but your friend thinks JT is way cuter. Using the principles of Moneyball you would construct some formula that would take into account Tatum’s abs, tan, and muscles to derive a number that trumps Timberlake. Your friend may come up with a formula that uses JT’s voice, personality, and body of work that defeats your boy Channing. But your mutual braniac third friend combines both formulas and concludes that Justin Timberlake is indeed hotter than Channing Tatum.

Quick, clean, and no more debate. Moneyball helps baseball managers rate players more accurately than ever before and aids journalists in predicting what may happen. These statistics have relatively accurate predicting power so one can reasonably understand how a baseball player and team will perform next year. Imagine being able to reasonably predict how Justin Bieber’s next year will go compared to Bruno Mars based on statistics?

Lastly, these statistics help baseball fans compare players from many years ago to the players of today. You keep hearing how good-looking Paul Newman was, but all you really know about Paul Newman is that he’s the guy on the salad dressing bottles. But with Moneyball statistics, you could derive a formula that rates Newman in his prime better looking than today’s Matt McConaughey taking into account the fact that Newman probably thought buttered steak and beer were healthy and McConaughey has been on an insane workout program and hasn’t had a carb since Contact.

Regardless of how you feel about baseball (ok, I know you think it is boring) you should be a good sport and invite your guy to see Moneyball. Worst case you can stare at Brad Pitt and munch on Mike & Ike’s and if it really isn’t what you like, tell him to get you some popcorn because after all, no guy has ever refused a concessions request at a movie theater. Enjoy the movie and enjoy the treats!

The Denver Quarterback Battle: Door 1 or Door 2?

Picture yourself on a blind date game show featuring a cheesy host with fake teeth and weird hair. You’ve just eliminated the gentleman behind Door #3 because he raised the “I live in my mom’s basement and I work as a clown for kids’ parties” red flag.

You’re left with the reckless, daring, and thrilling one-night stand behind Door #1 who you wouldn’t bring home for Thanksgiving dinner. Door #2 has revealed himself to be clean-cut, safe, and the driver of a Volvo station wagon because, well, it’s a reliable and economic car to transport the whole family.

You aren’t just choosing the man behind the door; you are potentially choosing the future life that comes with the guy too. Questions begin to race through your head.

Will the wild guy settle down? Can he ever care for anyone but himself? Can you ever really trust him? Is he going to get arrested? How do you feel about being the look-out during bank robberies? All valid questions for the bad boy.

And for the good chap behind Door #2: Will he ever try something new? Can he protect you in a New York subway? Does he own any pants that aren’t khaki? How do you feel about going to bed at 9:30 p.m. on Friday nights?

Making decisions based on potential and less on available facts are more of a leap of faith than anything else. You can ask all the questions you want and you can even go on a date with the bad boy and a date with the choir boy, but in the end, you just have to take the plunge and go for it.

This is what’s happening in Denver with their current quarterback situation. Only one quarterback can play at a time and a wrong choice can lead to a disastrous season. But a right choice can lead to glory. And Denver has two quarterbacks just itching to go on a date and strut their stuff.

Door #1 - Tim Tebow: the risky wild child on the field...

Door #1 is Tim Tebow. While he is as straitlaced as

they come off the field, his football game is extremely risky. There has never been a quarterback quite like him and it’s impossible to predict the outcome of his career. He could easily bomb and he could easily be great just like the bad boy who could leave his youthful follies behind as he ages or spend 25-to-life behind bars.

Door #2 is Kyle Orton. He’s the safe pick because there have been hundreds of quarterbacks like him throughout history; average arm strength, average accuracy, average talent, and average results. But the range of failure to success is much smaller than with Tebow. The chances of Orton completely bombing are minimal, but the chances of Orton winning the championship are also minimal. He’s the definition of the safe choice just like the choir boy who’s guaranteed to be the designated driver for every guy’s night (that is, if he even has guy’s nights).

Door #2 - Kyle Orton: he's plain and average and safe...

The Denver coaching staff is currently sitting on the stool next to the host with the weird hair and creepier smile asking Tebow and Orton “What’s their idea of a perfect date?” or “If you’re a car, what kind of car would you be?” And how will they answer? In the form of four preseason games and currently, Orton is slightly ahead of Tebow so it appears Denver is leaning toward playing it safe rather than taking a risk.

Life is too short to be dull and everyone knows you can’t change a person who doesn’t want to be changed. Knowing that, good luck Denver. Choose wisely…

The Save

You’re out on a blind date with someone you met online. Through emails, you learn you both enjoy movies, going out to dinner, and sometimes staying home to enjoy a quiet evening watching TV. This wouldn’t differentiate Leo DiCaprio from Leo da Vinci (a creative guy like him would love movies and TV).  So to learn more about him and because you are “tired of kissing frogs and are finally looking for your prince,” you agree to meet for dinner.

When he wasn't working on masterpieces, da Vinci enjoyed curling up with popcorn to watch Cougar Town.

As you’re getting ready to leave your apartment, you text your BFF to call you 20 minutes into your date so you can always play the “My nephew just peed his pants at school so I have to bring him home and I know it’s 8:45 on a Saturday night, but it’s one of those special Saturday night classes for gifted eight year-olds who want to learn more about the subtle nuances of Finding Nemo” card if the date is heading toward catastrophe. Your friend agrees, but you say you probably won’t need it because you have so much in common and the one blurry photo of him in a hat and sunglasses was cute.

But you sit down and before you can even say anything, he tells the waiter that you’re splitting the check. And he starts to squeeze a lemon into his water and mixes in packets of sugar to save money on ordering lemonade. And he launches into how when he’s not arranging used printer cartridges into scale models of Canadian cities, he’s collecting rain water in his homemade reservoir to have enough for the impending national debt crisis.

You’re polite, so you chime in that there will probably be enough water for everyone but this only starts to make him wave his arms and shout loud enough for the cooks to hear. Yikes…

And… Ring!!!

Your friend comes through with the phone call, you nail your excuse, and you are on your merry way to a bottle of wine in the comfort of your own apartment. That is a save.

The greatest save-master of them all: Mariano Rivera

And a save in baseball works the same way with just a lot less awkwardness. The pitcher is struggling in a close game and there are base-runners everywhere. The hitters coming up are scary and the coach really wants to win this game. So much like how you were rescued by a phone, the coach will call the bullpen with a dugout phone to let the closer know he’s coming in to pitch. And if the closer does his job and gets the hitters out, he records a ‘save.’ The closer saves the game when the situation is dire (the lead being three runs or less) just like how your friend rescued you from a sticky situation. Only the best relief pitchers are entrusted to save the game, just like how you wouldn’t entrust your getaway plan to your 85 year-old aunt.

So the next time you’re out on a perilous blind date, know that there are baseball closers everywhere, along with your BFF, ready to save the day from terrifying hitters and equally terrifying online acquaintances.

The Yips

Parallel parking is easy when practiced in front of your house with cones and trash cans. It does, however, become infinitely more difficult when attempted in front of a swanky restaurant in between a BMW 7-Series and a Maserati with outdoor diners picking apart your every mistake. Soon, passerby begin to gravitate just to watch you take the wrong angle and start over for the umpteenth time. Put enough pressure on yourself while allowing the situation power over you, and you’ll fail more at parallel parking than Meadow Soprano.

Meadow can't park...

If you’re the type who’ll park three blocks away and pay $10 to avoid parallel parking in front of everyone, then you may have a case of the yips.

The yips are dangerous. Powerful enough to end careers and contagious enough to shun those afflicted, the yips are that little anxiety monster that grows and grows and eventually takes over in pressure situations.

In the athletic arena, it could look like Chuck Knoblauch launching short throws from second base into the stands, or Jean Van de Velde scattering golf shots all over the last hole to lose the British Open, or Mark Wohlers unable to find the strikezone, or LeBron James disappearing in the fourth quarter in the NBA Finals, or any Florida State kicker when trying beat the University of Miami. Those are just a few examples but the list is miles long of athletes who can do their task without trouble when no one is watching only to fail miserably when the lights burn brightest.

Some call it ‘white line’ syndrome. Step on the playing surface between the white lines of the football field, basketball court, baseball field, or parking space and the athlete can begin to over-think the most mundane of tasks. Short field goals become tricky, free throws are impossible, throwing strikes are out of the question, and parallel parking is calamitous.

Yours truly even yipped a stop sign some years ago. You know, those big, red octagonal warnings that have stop written across? I had a date in the passenger’s seat and my mind was preoccupied and sure enough, whoop-whoop! The policeman lectured me on paying more attention (no ticket!) and did understand that the sign was behind a large banyan tree. But had I been driving alone I certainly would have been locked in on the stop sign. The circumstances of my date and trying to think about saying all the right things led me to completely yip a stop sign!

Fortunately, no one was hurt and I have since learned from that experience. I have yet to miss a stop sign since! The yips can drive those afflicted one of two ways: Learn from them and improve, or, succumb to them and wash out.

When Rory McIlroy yipped away the Master’s many thought he would struggle in future similar situations. But he learned from the experience and won the very next major tournament convincingly. The aforementioned Van de Velde never came close to winning another major tournament ever again.

From champion to wading in muck: The Yips

So fear not. You may have badly screwed up that last date when you spilled all that wine on his smartphone and white Brooks Brothers shirt. Now you know you have to concentrate a little more when pouring wine. But don’t avoid that same situation; that would be succumbing to the yips. And don’t avoid parallel parking either. Find a teensy-weensy spot during happy hour between a Bentley and a Mercedes and yell “Take notes!” as you put on a show one-timing the parking job and saying “You’re welcome,” to the group ready to pounce on your smallest mistake.

No one really knows how to defeat the yips, but apprehension certainly isn’t the cure. Might as well be aggressive…

The Pickle

Editor’s Note: The following scenario is merely hypothetical and in no way reflects the true wholesome nature of the devoted readers of Eye Black & Rouge.

Imagine the confident new advertising executive sweeps you off your feet and asks you out for drinks after work. You agree because he has the George Clooney thing going on and Ocean’s 11 is one of your favorite movies.

You know you probably shouldn’t go for drinks but saying no would be impolite, right? One chardonnay and you’re telling him you have to let your nonexistent dog out of your apartment.

You walk through the door he’s holding for you (of course, right?) and you glance toward the bar only you notice the guy you really like who you’ve been dating for a few weeks is the bartender. Your ‘hubby’ told you he was a bartender but not at which bar.

You’re in a pickle, sister…

On one side is Clooney; your superior at work. On the other is the bartender who may be slightly less than a boyfriend but you can feel the invite to meet his parents coming soon (and you’re looking forward to it).

The Greeks would call it caught between Scylla and Charybdis. Those who did not pay attention in Greek mythology class would call it between a rock and a hard place. But baseball people call it a good old fashioned pickle.

In baseball, a pickle (or run-down) occurs when a baserunner is caught between two bases with a fielder at each base. The fielder with the ball chases the baserunner toward a base and when the time is right, throws the ball to the other fielder to tag the runner out. The runner, seeing that the ball has gone from one fielder to the other, stops and runs away from the fielder who just received the ball. A thrown ball will always travel faster than the runner so the runner is trapped.

This continues until the runner is eventually tagged out. And the runner is usually 99% of the time tagged out at the pro level very quickly. The fielders are too good, too fast, and the odds are too long for the runner which is why being in a pickle feels like there’s no way out (in both baseball and in life).

But you think on your feet. You’re smart and you see a small window out of this ad executive/bartender situation (not the bathroom window; you’re not a coward). You confidently lead Clooney straight over to the bar and introduce him to your bartender guy.

“Uh, this is my boyfriend, Sam,” you begin gesturing toward the bartender. “Sam, this is our new advertising executive. I thought it would be good for you two to meet. Sam, my boyfriend, has so many good ideas. He’s always critiquing commercials when they come on TV,” you explain. “What’s that idea you’re always talking about?”

Sam then launches into his idea of Subway or Quiznos selling 3″ sub ‘bullets’ so people can try a variety of sandwiches in one meal. Clooney is listening intently and since you did your homework, you know he’s on the Quiznos account. They’re hitting it off and you’re starting to breathe easier. You got your boyfriend’s (he is now) ideas in front of the right guy, Clooney some fresh ideas, and yourself out of a pickle that wasn’t looking too promising.

One glass of chardonnay? Better make it two…

Double plays and multitasking

You completely space out on a friend’s birthday that’s starting in about an hour. The friend is too close to only give a card and you have just enough time to stop at one location for the gift because you conveniently remembered her birthday one hour prior to her party.

You’re not giving a gift certificate because you’re way better than that.

What to do?

You’re a multitasking maven so you’re going to kill two birds with one stone and you’re going to one-up every gift at the party because that’s just what you do.

You need to be athletic to turn a double play not unlike having to sprint through the mall to buy a gift, cake, and a card in high heels...

You’re going to turn a double play. Normally in baseball, the defense gets one out a time. But with a typical double play, the defense fields the ball, forces the runner out at second and the hitter out at first all on one pitch!

The double play is an exciting event that gets the pitcher out of a jam just like the one you’re in right now with your friend. It’s known as the ‘pitcher’s best friend.’

Two outs with one pitch; two birds dead with one stone. But what about your predicament with your friend’s party? How do you get out of that jam?

Easy. Go to your ‘good’ mall; you know, the one that doesn’t have a little kids’ train circling the area. Head to Nordstrom. Pick out your friend’s gift (I can’t help

Who knew Nordstrom had the best chocolate cake? You do now...

you here because I don’t know her, obviously). Stay in Nordstrom and go to the cafe and ask for a slice of chocolate cake to go (your friend might already have cake, but the chocolate cake at Nordstrom is the best ever so you’re going to be the hit of the party). As you’re walking out of the mall, stop by Border’s or Barnes & Noble to get a birthday card and to validate your parking ticket (more free terrific advice).

Do that, and you’ll be early for the party with your gift, the best cake ever, and a birthday card. That’s more than a double play. You just turned a triple play; three birds with one stone.

You’re welcome, bird-killer…

Baseball’s pitching staff: Gourmet fine-dining

When going to the type of restaurant that asks if you made a reservation even though the establishment is empty (you know, places that serve a side dish of snobbery with your meal), one can expect multiple courses of appetizers, main dishes, and desserts.

This is how a pitching staff operates in baseball. All those pitchers milling about aren’t there for the conversation (although pitchers do a lot of talking when not pitching). Rather, much like golf clubs (remember that post?), each pitcher has a specific role to help the team.

Each team has five starting pitchers. These pitchers begin each game in turn but

Matt Cain; a starting pitcher

they are so much more than an appetizer of calamari. Starting pitchers are expected to throw about seven innings in a nine inning game so they are more like the appetizer, salad, and main course. Starters are the most important pitchers on the staff because they throw the most innings.

A bad main course will ruin the meal but the evening isn’t just your order of  rib-eye. To support your steak, an order of mushrooms or asparagus will complement it perfectly. However, side dishes can

Santiago Casilla; the middle reliever

detract from the experience too (especially when served a la carte; nothing hurts more than spending $9 on so-so green beans).

The side dish is like the middle reliever. They throw maybe one inning per game, but it usually occurs when the starter needs help much like how a slightly bland chicken can be rescued by otherworldly mashed potatoes and gravy.

Sergio Romo; the set-up man

With all this great food, one must drink something special too. A superior steak needs a stellar red wine while a fantastic fish needs a wonderful white. No screw-top grocery market special will do for a meal like this. You spend a little extra because this evening is special so you avoid wines capable of cleaning paint off of paintbrushes. This is the set-up man.

The set-up man usually pitches the 8th inning in tight ballgames. This pitcher is a bit better than the middle relievers and his main job is to preserve the lead for the 9th inning. Then it’s time for the dessert; better known as the closer.

Even though the majority of the check is spent on the appetizers, main courses, side dishes, and wine, the dessert can leave a lasting impression throughout the car ride home. Some restaurants have a special dessert totally unique to them designed to keep you coming back for more. It’s the last thing you’ll remember from the restaurant just like a closer who saves the game or blows the lead.

The closer’s job is to record the final three outs with a lead of three runs or less.

Brian Wilson; the closer

This is called a save and while it’s only three outs out of 27 total outs in a game, the final three outs have a way of being the most difficult to get. That is why the closer often times has the best stuff on the staff. Much like how a death-by-chocolate-caramel-medley has more taste and deliciousness than your main course of steak.

Steak is steak; there’s only so many ways to prepare it. But dessert? There’s all kinds of personality in desserts. In the same way, closers usually have crazy hair, long beards, and lots of tattoos and can be a little off mentally. That’s like putting sparklers in your chocolate brownie.

For the meal to be perfect, however, each part needs to special. Any course found to be lacking can negatively cloud the experience. Same with the pitching staff. The starter, middle relief, set-up man, and closer all need to pitch well for the baseball team to win.

Anything less, and you might as well be eating at Arby’s…

Miami Heat fall victim to the curse of the ensemble cast

Perhaps the only headline capable of distracting the masses from Weiner’s weiner this past week was the demise of LeBron James and the Miami Heat (one man displaying too much of his marbles; the other still trying to find his…) Even the basketball clueless could not escape the endless coverage of the Miami Heat this season and even the most novice of fans would predict that two of the best three players in the world along with another top-10 talent coupled with two more highly sought after veterans would lead to an inevitable championship.

So like, what the hell happened???

Simply put, the Miami Heat came up short much like He’s Just Not That Into You and Valentine’s Day; two movies riddled with stars that had critics finding new ways to slam a movie and boyfriends checking their cell phones throughout the mediocre chick-flick dross.

Don’t believe me? Roeper of Ebert and Roeper said, “More than a dozen familiar faces are wasted in this trite, groan-inducing mediocrity,” in regard to Valentine’s Day. Time Magazine said, “He’s Just Not That Into You is like reliving your 20′s, without any of the fun.” And it’s not just those critics; both movies came up ‘rotten’ according to Rottentomatoes.com.

He’s Just Not That Into You featuring Scarlett Johansson, Kevin Connolly, Bradley Cooper, Justin Long, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Drew Barrymore, and Kris Kristofferson andValentine’s Day featuring Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine, and Taylor Swift are doomed to fail for having too many leading actors (or actors who think they’re leading material) in the same movie.

Tried-and-true Hollywood formula is: Male lead + Female lead + Male support + Female support + and Ed Harris (anytime you include and Ed Harris, the movie will improve) = Potential passable entertainment. Mess with that formula, and you have actors fighting for screen time or mailing in performances for the paycheck. There’s only so many minutes in a movie and so many cameras.

This is a lot like what happened this year with the Heat. Typical NBA formula is: Star player A + Star player B + Three useful starters + Three more useful bench players = Potential playoff team. The Heat tried to make it work with Superstar player + Superstar player + One good player + Whatever is left we can afford regardless if they have any talent at all (Mike Bibby).

There have been successful ensemble cast movies in the past such as A Time to Kill with Matt McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey, Oliver Platt, Ashley Judd, Donald Sutherland and Kiefer Sutherland. McConaughey deftly played his part as the star and Bullock, Jackson, Spacey and Judd (who have all been #1′s) supported him in every scene and never tried to do too much. Oliver Platt worked his typical role as the ‘glue’ to perfection. He was funny when he had to be and he was always adding to the scene; never taking away.

The actors all sacrificed a little screen time but it was for the greater good of a terrific movie. And they all trusted Joel Schumacher, the director, who had completed some fairly impressive movies up until that point. That is what the Heat have to do.

Wade is the McConaughey; he has to star in every scene and show up every night.

LeBron is Spacey; capable of outperforming McConaughey with movies such as Se7en or American Beauty but consistently turning in performances such as 21 and Pay it Forward.

Maybe the Heat can celebrate for real next year?

Bosh is Sam Jackson; maybe he’s Pulp Fiction and maybe he’s Jumper. We don’t know, but like with Jackson, we’ll appreciate his passion and the occasional “Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hellllll”--like intensity.

Udonis Haslem and Mike Miller need to play like Platt and Judd. Both have the ability to be a #1 but we’ve seen the wrestling movie Ready to Rumble and it wasn’t good (sorry Platt, I enjoyed it when I was 15). Everyone in this paragraph (Haslem, Miller, Platt, and Judd) are better served being the glue to hold the whole messy contraption together.

Lastly, the Heat need to find some ‘Sutherlands.’ Donald was funny and endearing; Kiefer was intense and psychotic. The Heat need a veteran to keep everyone loose and that’s where Donald comes in. The Heat had fewer smiles than championships this year (0). They also need a stone-cold killer like Kiefer; someone who’s crazy enough to fight an entire team and drain three’s like an assassin (just without the white-supremacist hatred…)

Put that together and the Heat go from Valentine’s Day flop to A Time to Kill classic. Now if only we could fast-forward to next year’s ending with a parade on Biscayne Boulevard…

The Long Term Contract

When a player signs a long term contract, he is in effect marrying that team for better or for worse. There are many striking similarities between holy matrimony and signing a new player. Consider:

- Much like dating, prospective players are wined and dined in the swankiest spots as the team is aiming to impress. The team even shows the player and his family potential schools, mansions, and other incentives to entice the player to do the deal. This would be the ‘dating/getting-to-know-you-phase so I know you’re not an axe murderer or someone who watches Lopez Tonight’ step of the relationship…

- Contracts are a lot like prenups. Teams and players include certain stipulations to protect themselves. For instance, the Red Sox included mandatory weigh-ins for portly pitcher Curt Schilling, and if he made weight, he would receive a bonus. This would be like agreeing to the whole for richer or poorer, for better or worse, until death do us part stipulation. Basically, the team expects the player to perform and the player expects to be compensated much like a wife expecting her husband to be a good husband (looking at you, Tiger).

- Often times, there’s a honeymoon phase too. Much like how a honeymoon in Hawaii is filled with hotsy-totsy nights and sun-drenched happiness, a player can get off to a great start thanks to the exciting novelty of the relationship. Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen helped the Celtics win an NBA Championship in their first year in Boston. Talk about a city-wide ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign…

- And when the honeymoon is over, and the gravity of forever smacks both parties in the face, two things can happen. It may be the perfect union; you know, the type you see when a couple in their 90′s are still getting ice cream because they enjoy each other. This would be like Peyton Manning and the Colts. And then there’s the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee type marriage. Fast and furious at first, but destined for failure. This would resemble the San Francisco Giants hopping in bed with Barry Zito for one of the richest pitching contracts in history only to realize instantly that it was a stage-5 clinger-like mistake of epic proportions.

- Just like in the real world with nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, separations happen in the sports world too. A-Rod and his bloated contract were shipped to New York from Texas with both sides happy with the rebound. The Raiders cut the overweight and cough syrup-addicted Jamarcus Russell after handing him one of the richest quarterback contracts in NFL history. Mistakes happen in marriage and they happen in sports, and unfortunately, staying together is sometimes impossible even if it’s better for the kids (those would be the fans in this case).

But even though there are a multitude of examples of terrible contracts, teams in much the same way as Larry King, never learn and wish to get married again and again and again. New York will always hand out huge contracts, the Clippers will always sign the player destined to underperform, and the Bengals will usually sign a player who will wear an orange prison jumpsuit as much as as their own uniform.

Some people, and some teams, simply never learn that maybe they should just remain single (looking at you again, Tiger).

Sorry, Boise. You’re wearing too much blue so you can’t be our friend…

Imagine the popular girl has two best friends and they all wear the hottest clothes, drive the cutest cars, rock the tightest bodies, and date the most popular guys.

They are the popular ‘in-crowd’ and have been for years ever since middle school when bodies began developing for some and not for others. But this trio of females are looking to add a fourth friend to their clique.

They search all over the high school and they find a perfectly qualified new girl who just transferred. She wears all the right clothes, drives the right car, has the perfect body, and is rumored to be the ex-girlfriend of the arch-rival’s star quarterback.

In fact, she may even be overqualified.

Some say she’s the new ‘it-girl’ of the school. Some have her being better than the trio looking to include her.

But she is new and unknown and this works against her. The trio decide to add the younger cousin of the ‘it-girl’ because after all, she’s pretty good-looking and her family name is strong enough. Everyone knows the overlooked new girl was the right choice, but we’ll never know her full potential as she tries to start her own clique or exist independently.

That’s the state of college football. Last week, Auburn defeated Oregon, and while those teams are relatively new to the whole National Championship hoopla, their conferences and opponents are not. The SEC (Auburn’s conference) and the PAC-10 (Oregon’s conference) are a lot like the popular clique; they always get the most attention and the most respect.

An upstart team like Boise State or TCU may have better records or might even have more talent, but we’ll never see them compete in a National Championship due to their lack of tradition and relatively weak conferences. They are like the new girl everyone fawns over, but in the end, you just can’t elect her homecoming queen.

The legacy always wins homecoming queen, right?

And so while high school cliques are often petty and irrational, you’ll never see a more left-out and sad bunch as the TCU Hornfrogs or the Boise State Broncos come dance time.

It’s high time college football sets aside its damaging cliques and includes everyone in the big dance despite the garish blue or purple uniforms…