Monthly Archives: April 2009

A club (or shoe) for every occasion

So you are going to the beach. Or dancing. Or shopping. Or running. Or man-hunting. Or whatever.

Do you wear the same shoe for all the aforementioned situations? Of course not. Each situation calls for a special shoe so you can walk on the beach sand, dance your troubles away, shop ’til you drop, run off calories, or catch some wanted attention.

The wrong shoe can have disastrous results. Imagine wearing heels to the beach or trying to attract a man in hiking boots. Not. Gonna. Happen.

The same holds true for golf clubs. All those golf clubs in the bag aren’t just for show or a “wasteful” way for your husband, brother, dad, boy friend, guy friend etc. to spend money. Each club has a specific purpose that allows the golfer to complete the hole in as few strokes as possible.

First off, the wedges (the shortest clubs with the most loft) are designed to pop the ball high into the air for a short distance. Why is a high trajectory good? The higher the ball flight, the softer the ball will land which reduces roll. The wedges are used from about 150 yards and closer and probably can best be compared to your everyday shoes because you will use your wedges on every hole. The classic sandal can not only be worn at the beach, but also with many different outfits. The sand wedge, while meant to be used in sand traps, works beautifully on the grass much like how sandals can complement any summer dress.

The irons range from the nine iron (the shortest iron with the most loft) all the way to the one iron (longest iron with the least loft). Short irons (7 iron, 8 iron, 9 iron) can be used from 150 yards to about 175 yards away from the hole. Mid irons (5 iron, 6 iron) can be used from about 180 yard to about 210 yards and long irons (1 iron, 2 iron, 3 iron) can be used from 215 yard to a little more than 250 yards. High loft means shorter distance and higher ball flight, low loft means more distance and lower ball flight. Depending on the conditions (wind, grass length, water hazards, sand traps) each iron has a specific purpose to best help you achieve your objective; whether it is shooting a low score on a troublesome dog-leg with water on all sides or beating out that little hussy for the last pair of manolos on sale (use the golf club on the golf hole, not to scare away the hussy in the department store. I don’t want my readers going to jail for attempted assault).

The large, mallet-shaped clubs known as “woods” have one purpose and one purpose only. To hit the ball far. Real far.

The driver can hit the ball more than 300 yards, but the trouble with the woods are that they are arguably the most difficult club in the bag to hit. Any golfer can remember confidently striding to the first tee with everyone watching only to hit the ball no more than a couple of feet. It is one of the most embarrassing moments any human can endure. Kinda like falling down in heels. Much like high heels, the driver has a severe risk/reward element. Confidently glide in heels and any man will go ga-ga over you. Fall, and the hex is lifted. Drive the golf ball a country mile down the fairway, and my playing partners will bow to my superiority. Knock the ball 10 feet, and my playing partners will question my masculinity.

Finally, there is the putter. The putter is used on every hole and yet, most amateur golfers never practice with it. They don’t acknowledge the fact that every putt (even though putts are measured in feet, not yards) count just the same as a booming 330 yard drive. The putter is a lot like your running shoes. You don’t give them a whole lot of credit and you probably would not show them off if MTV Cribs took place in your room, but do you think Angelina Jolie or Kate Beckinsale would look the way they do if they didn’t use their workout/running shoes? Your running shoes are your foundation just like the putter. Neglect your putter and you are in effect neglecting your running shoes, and we all know the severity of that decision (bigger jeans).


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Filed under Golf, Shoes

Chin Music is Nothing but a Little Territoriality

You are out with your boyfriend at some nice place such as the Olive Garden enjoying a Tour of Italy with some of that bread (I personally hate the Olive Garden but I like the bread. I think any restaurant that feels it is necessary to include “the” in the name is trying way too hard. “The” Benihana? “The” Pizza Hut? “The” Hooters? C’mon, but I digress). Anyway, you notice a slightly skanky, somewhat slutty, kind of trampy girl making eyes at your boyfriend.

She knows you exist, but she doesn’t care. She keeps looking over provocatively, bordering on the blatantly obvious. She wants your man.

It’s now up to you to mark your territory. You hold his hands, touch him a little more. Perhaps even give him a kiss before you go to the bathroom. And as you walk by the aforementioned woman of the night, you stare two, piercing daggers through her soul that say, “Stay the f*#@ away if you know what’s good for you!”

Pitchers in baseball are the same way. Home plate is 17 inches wide and pitchers believe that not only do those 17 inches belong to them, but also six inches on either side. You don’t just want your boyfriend’s arm or leg, right? You want the whole thing, most of the time…

You see, hitters like to crowd the plate. This is a feeble attempt at intimidation because pitchers are armed with the baseball.

And they aren’t afraid to use it.

If the batter is standing too close to the plate, the catcher can put down the middle-finger (the universal sign for what comes next). The pitcher will then throw the baseball as hard as he can dangerously close to the hitter, forcing him to duck out of the way. You don’t want to hit the batter because that gives him first base much like you don’t want to hit the tramp at the bar because that gives you jail time.

Instead, this well-placed fastball, usually under the chin, is intended to frighten the hitter into knowing who’s the boss. This concept is known as chin music, the brushback, or buzzing a hitter.

No one wants to get hit by a baseball traveling more than 90mph. It hurts. Imagine trying to get your work done with the threat of receiving a large, circular bruise on your back from a baseball shot out of a cannon. You would be nervous, right?

Hitters get nervous too at this thought and nervous hitters are bad hitters, begging to be sent back to the shelter of the dugout.

Chin music is an effective weapon pitchers use to send a message saying, “Stay the f*#@ away if you know what’s good for you!” It’s a great deterrent that keeps hitters away from the plate much like you keeping that mischievous minx away from your man.


Filed under Baseball